A new understanding...

Hi everyone,

Below are words that are in my heart but I have been unable to express. They are words of a lady from my online support group. The only real difference was R.W. was only with us for 8w 4d & our due date was Sept 27, 2007. But all you mothers out there know that as soon as you see that BFP (Big Fat Positive) on the pg test the baby is real. Please take the time to read this. She gave me permission to use it for anyone who needs it. If you need to share it with someone who has experienced pg loss it's ok. Also, after you read it, please let me know your thoughts....




"The world has a difficult time with miscarriage because they never saw a baby, and what is unseen is out of mind and not understood. A woman carries a child in her womb as well as in her heart from the day she knows it is there. My baby was inside my womb for thirteen weeks three days but will be in my heart forever. Yes, he was due to be born March 19th, 2007. I am saying it out loud instead of pretending for everyone else to be comfortable. This is the death of my child I am dealing with not a miscarriage of an unfinished baby. I guess what I am saying is like it or not world, this is my reality and my pain. It is deserving and exists. I am not crazy for feeling it.

Coming to terms with pain involves feeling it and sorting through it. Nobody else can put deadlines on someone else's mourning process. It makes me angry to catch those vibes from people who disappear or become uncomfortable with someone else's pain. So people do not know what to say. I will give them credit and some acceptance for that. The thing is they don't have to say much or sometimes anything at all. They just need to be there and try to love the person the same as they did before the pain struck. A friend comes in when the rest of the world has gone out. Just quietly saying..."I am here...or I am thinking about you..." is enough.

I don't expect people to remember a date that to them means nothing just because it is huge for me. I really don't, but I want to feel ok with expressing my feelings regardless of how anyone else assumes I should behave and deal with this. I do find joy in the small things of this world, in children, in animals, in all of nature and all that is beautiful. I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think some things just happen because if I sit around looking for a reason I could lose my sanity. Some things happen for reason, but others do not. The key to it all is surviving all the pain and struggles that this life brings without bitterness. That is the hard part. Finding the positive among the depressing is the only way to the surface. I just want to breathe; so I swim up even when I'm not sure which way is up.

I wasn't going to write anything because I know how everyone wants me to act like nothing happened....and how it makes people uncomfortable, but these are my feelings...and this is my reality. I'm feeling like I could write a book about this to help other women who feel like me. Lord knows there are so many out there from the support groups I've attended online. I am grateful for what I have, and I am not going to dwell on what I do not have....but I do remember and acknowledge this week and the memory of a baby boy I never held.

Jackie"

Home

Hi we made it back from Moncton safe and sound...even thought there was a storm Sat morning. We didn't do much. I soaked in the hot tub forever and we watched a movie. Then on Sat we went to chapters. It's been a very busy very tough week. Busy has been a blessing in some respects. Otherwise I can't even stand being in my own skin. I'm sad, angry, irritated all in one. People keep telling me to just get over it or they just ignore that even happened. Like my baby wasn't even real. The may of not been real to them but my baby was real to me.

Vacation

We are going to....




Well not exactly the country but the Mexican Themed Fantasy Suite at the Ramada Crystal Palace in Moncton. We are going tomorrow night. Just to get away. I am so excited. We need some us time. I'll let you know what we do.

Learning new things

Well if you havn't guessed by now I've learned how to do something and I'm officially a


I'm doing ok. I'm going to start councelling because I can't get things together in the church. This morning no one talked to me except my SS superintendant and this one lady who said "Oh I went through that a long time ago, You just have to get over that". Well I promised you I almost punched a church member, in the church, where I work. I walked away and called EAP tonight. I'm going to call my doctor in the morning about possibly getting more time off of work. We can't really afford it but I'm a basketcase. I know many of you have been praying for me. I sure need it and appreciate it.

Thank you Gwyn

Gwyn found this poem online and sent it too me. I wanted to post it here. If you or anyone you know has suffered a loss like me share this with them...

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erlin

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Back to work

Well I went back to work today and man was I shakey. 11 days ago my life stoped. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of the world to keep on going. I went to Sylvan just for a few hrs and left before the teachers & students came. The only ones who knew I was pg and had a m/c was the office staff (4 girls incl. me and 1 boy who is married to one of the girls). They were great. Everyone let me talk as I was comfortable and even the girl who is pregnant and due in may (boy had she gotten bigger while I was out) let me talk about it. I didn't want to upset her in anyway. Before I left whe classroom assistant came in to prepare for class. All she knew was I was out sick. She has a 10 month old (they come to the playgroup I run at the church) who went sliding for the first time and had her first pony ride while I was out. I eventually stoped listening and had to tell myself to breath. All I could think was 'my baby will never do those things for the first time'. Then she was talking to the girl who was pg about her baby and pg symptoms. Well the girl who was pg was really good and giving one word answers and not getting into a full blown conversation about it while I was there.

I have been so blessed though this whole thing. Family, though sometimes say dumb things, have been supportive, the doctors and hospital staff were unbeliveably supportive (1st time I didn't have to wait 9 hrs in the waiting room!), and now my co workers be so unbelievably supportive.

I PTL for such blessings.