A new understanding...

Hi everyone,

Below are words that are in my heart but I have been unable to express. They are words of a lady from my online support group. The only real difference was R.W. was only with us for 8w 4d & our due date was Sept 27, 2007. But all you mothers out there know that as soon as you see that BFP (Big Fat Positive) on the pg test the baby is real. Please take the time to read this. She gave me permission to use it for anyone who needs it. If you need to share it with someone who has experienced pg loss it's ok. Also, after you read it, please let me know your thoughts....




"The world has a difficult time with miscarriage because they never saw a baby, and what is unseen is out of mind and not understood. A woman carries a child in her womb as well as in her heart from the day she knows it is there. My baby was inside my womb for thirteen weeks three days but will be in my heart forever. Yes, he was due to be born March 19th, 2007. I am saying it out loud instead of pretending for everyone else to be comfortable. This is the death of my child I am dealing with not a miscarriage of an unfinished baby. I guess what I am saying is like it or not world, this is my reality and my pain. It is deserving and exists. I am not crazy for feeling it.

Coming to terms with pain involves feeling it and sorting through it. Nobody else can put deadlines on someone else's mourning process. It makes me angry to catch those vibes from people who disappear or become uncomfortable with someone else's pain. So people do not know what to say. I will give them credit and some acceptance for that. The thing is they don't have to say much or sometimes anything at all. They just need to be there and try to love the person the same as they did before the pain struck. A friend comes in when the rest of the world has gone out. Just quietly saying..."I am here...or I am thinking about you..." is enough.

I don't expect people to remember a date that to them means nothing just because it is huge for me. I really don't, but I want to feel ok with expressing my feelings regardless of how anyone else assumes I should behave and deal with this. I do find joy in the small things of this world, in children, in animals, in all of nature and all that is beautiful. I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think some things just happen because if I sit around looking for a reason I could lose my sanity. Some things happen for reason, but others do not. The key to it all is surviving all the pain and struggles that this life brings without bitterness. That is the hard part. Finding the positive among the depressing is the only way to the surface. I just want to breathe; so I swim up even when I'm not sure which way is up.

I wasn't going to write anything because I know how everyone wants me to act like nothing happened....and how it makes people uncomfortable, but these are my feelings...and this is my reality. I'm feeling like I could write a book about this to help other women who feel like me. Lord knows there are so many out there from the support groups I've attended online. I am grateful for what I have, and I am not going to dwell on what I do not have....but I do remember and acknowledge this week and the memory of a baby boy I never held.

Jackie"