Day 14

Well I'm on Day 14 of bedrest and it looks like I'll be on it for the duration. A friend said to me yesterday "Ceri this is the first time in your life you are doing what you are told" I replied that "It is the first itme in my life it's not about me".

The boys are big and strong. Today Jax wouldn't stay still for a picture but he is now 1lb 11onz and his heartbeat was 148. Caden was sleeping we got a picture of a nice big yawn and a great profile shot. He is 1lb 9onz and his heartbeat was 140. I'm so happy they are doing well. I'm still blown away that I'm having twin boys but being a Mum is an adventure I've been looking forward to for a long time.

Troy moved all our stuff into our new home over the weekend and it getting the bedroom set up so I can come up this weekend to continue my bedrest at HOME. I am so excited.

Bedrest

Hi all,

I have been put on complete bedrest. The boys are healthy and growing. I now have to keep them in there. Pray for me and I am by nature unable to sit still!

Ceri

Babies Update

Hi everyone,

I had a check up and ultrasound today. Everything is going well each baby is 13oz and I'm measuring 30w! Eek! Baby A (Jax) is laying right across my cervix and Baby B (Caden) is laying above him. I hope they move b/c I don't want a c section. I finish work on Oct 12. Then taking a trip to the states and Moving to NS the end of the month. Once we get settled I can finally post some pics.

I guess I'm going to learn to like the colour blue :)

That's right two boys. I'm a little sad there is not a little girl as this is my last pregnancy. But thrilled to be expecting two boys. And they were not shy it telling us - I have the pictures to prove it. They are the perfect size (9onz-dr said that is right on track if I had 1 baby). The dr is taking me out of work in 4 weeks. This was a surprise as I was hoping to work into Nov. I guess I'll be working on getting the new house in order!

A little sad today

Ever since September 1st I've had some sad moments. You see my angel baby was due the end of Sept. I am so thrilled to be pregnant but on the other hand I'm sad that I won't be seeing my angel baby this month. Who would of thought that a baby that was with me for only 8w 4d, that I only knew about a little over 2w, I could love so deeply. I had so many dreams for my child. The biggest having the opportunity to hold him. I believe it was a boy. Our little R.W.

Thanks for reading this. I'm really ok but the greif sometimes is overwhelming and I just have to share it.

Hi guys, I'm totally not neglecting my blog but I'm having a difficult time logging in on my parents computer. I won't even go to the loggin page. I'm planning to get some belly pics this weekend but I just realized that the camera cord in in storage with the other computer stuff. I'll figure something out just for you guys!.

Gwyn If you get a chance can you post this on my blog? Thanks!

Ceri

No tummy shots yet

Troy and I were going to do some last weekend but didn't. We will do some soon. I go to my family dr today for a checkup and then to the specialist again on Sept 20 to find out the sex. Most people are surprised I'm not showing more but I do have a very cute belly bump!

Sorry Kayla

The Specialist made the comment "if I have to guess Baby B looks like it's growing a 3rd leg" I'm still holding out that Baby A is a girl!

We're expecting....Twins!!!

It's almost unbeliveable but it's true! I'm due Feb 14, 08 but these little critters will be here early. I had an ultrasound a couple of days ago and I'll post the pictures soon. I have my next one on Sept 20th to find out the sex.

Our other big news is we are moving to Halifax area. Troy's new job starts next week and I'll follow in October. I have to run to work but wanted you all to know my big news.

Don't Fall over....

Yes it is me doing a post. I'm posting to tell you all that is 14 sleeps until opening night for As You Like It 2 wks later opening night for West Side Story 1 week after that the 25th Anniversary Show and a couple of weeks after that we open Alladain. So I'm going to be way busy but I will post after each show to tell you how fabulous it was.

Off to YF07!

Hi all I'm off to Youth Forum 07. I look forward to sharing some stories when I get back.

Bringing awareness

Last week the Today show did a segment on miscarriage. Below is the link to the article about it and a link to the video. I applaud them for doing this.

http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/05/08/184449.aspx?CommentPosted=true#commentmessage

I'll Never Know

By LisaMarie Emerle

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?

I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share

There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?

You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago

I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go

The pain and confusion I feel inside

I can not explain...I can not describe

God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep

I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep

you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above

You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love

Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry

You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die

You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night

Reach for God's hand and go to the light

I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now

Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow

I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go

I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know

Mommy's Little Baby
By LisaMarie Emerle

Mommy's little baby is not really far away
I'm keeping you in my heart and that's how it's gonna stay!
Although you didn't meet me and look into my eyes
Mommy will be thinking of you when I look up in the skies
And when I feel the sunshine ... shining down on me
I will know you're safe & happy and where you have to be
I have so many questions and there are no answers to find
But don't think for just a second that you'll ever leave my mind
You my precious angel made a mommy out of me
But our Father up in Heaven chose to raise you instead of me
God must have so much in store and wonderful plans for you
So I will carry this burden of pain so all your dreams come true!
So don't you cry any tears my love - be happy and be free
When God decides it's time....you will meet Daddy and me
You are very special both here and in heaven above
No matter where you are my angel you have Daddy & Mommy's Love!

Mother's Day

Well tomorrow is Mother's Day. As it get's closer, the more I want time to stand still. The more I think of my angel baby RW. I would of been about 5 months pg. About the time where we'd be celebrating. In memory of RW, I had flowers placed in the frount of the sanctuary for all families who have lost children. It tured out beautiful. I know the flower shop went above and beyond the cost they quoted me.

So to all my friends out there who have angel babies and living children HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Facebook is destorying Blogging!

Does anyone blog anymore now that we are on face book ALL THE TIME????? I'm trying to get over here and let you know what's going on. I went back to work at the church this week. So far so good. Everyone is being supportive. Mind you I havn't seen the staff member I have an issue with. We'll just take it one day at a time.

Abby & Sophie have a Blog!

My sister told me she set up a blog for the rugrats! What a great way to see them grow. Visit them at http://4rats.blogspot.com/

FACEBOOK

Has anyone else gotten on Facebook? If you havn't you need to. I'm catching up with people I havn't seen in 15-20 yrs! Even some BBC alum. Have fun and catch ya on Facebook!

Who know's me best?

(I have no idea why I am on the list...you'd think I'd know myself the best)

Create your own Friend Quiz here

Update

I saw my family dr today. He is sending me for an ultrasound to check for any remaining tissue. Kayla they did do one before my d&c but none since. He's also going to do blood work to check for infection. I never run a fever so I can had infections and not even know. Also, I had had a pap test a few days before the miscarriage and it has come back abnormal. Something to do with the bleeding. Dr. told me that had nothing to do with the miscarriage. So back tomorrow for more tests. Thanks for all your prayers. Oh and if the bleeding doesn't stop I might have to go back on the pill to straighten everything out. Not really thrilled about that idea as Troy and I wanted to start TTC right away. This is all so unfair and frustrating.

Prayer needed

Over the last few days I've been having some physical complications from the miscarriage & surgery. This is very discouraging since Troy and I were going to start ttc(trying to conceive) soon. It's been like I'm realiving Feb 18 all overy again. I went to the ER last night and the Dr didn't have a clue. The only test he ran was a urine pg test and came back and said "Well the good news is your not pg" Then he examined me and when he touched my left side I jumped about 4 feet off the bed. He goes comes back and says. "I think your hormones are out of wack. Go home and take an asprin" I thought he was joking. I see my Family dr tomorrow and hopefully I can get him to do some test to rule out infections and other things. I hope this wasn't TMI...I was trying to leave out some of those details.

Thanks for your prayers.

Palm Sunday

Well I've been doing pretty well. I have more good days nows. But a day doesn't got by that I don't think of our baby. Sunday I went to church with my Mum, sister and the twins and I couldn't even sing the processional hymn because all I could think was "my baby will never come down the aisle waving a palm". I wonder what my child is doing now. I know R.W. is in the arms of God and I find comfort in that.

I hope every one has a wonderful Easter. Troy and I are going to his friends wedding in Halifax and spending Easter with his family.

A new understanding...

Hi everyone,

Below are words that are in my heart but I have been unable to express. They are words of a lady from my online support group. The only real difference was R.W. was only with us for 8w 4d & our due date was Sept 27, 2007. But all you mothers out there know that as soon as you see that BFP (Big Fat Positive) on the pg test the baby is real. Please take the time to read this. She gave me permission to use it for anyone who needs it. If you need to share it with someone who has experienced pg loss it's ok. Also, after you read it, please let me know your thoughts....




"The world has a difficult time with miscarriage because they never saw a baby, and what is unseen is out of mind and not understood. A woman carries a child in her womb as well as in her heart from the day she knows it is there. My baby was inside my womb for thirteen weeks three days but will be in my heart forever. Yes, he was due to be born March 19th, 2007. I am saying it out loud instead of pretending for everyone else to be comfortable. This is the death of my child I am dealing with not a miscarriage of an unfinished baby. I guess what I am saying is like it or not world, this is my reality and my pain. It is deserving and exists. I am not crazy for feeling it.

Coming to terms with pain involves feeling it and sorting through it. Nobody else can put deadlines on someone else's mourning process. It makes me angry to catch those vibes from people who disappear or become uncomfortable with someone else's pain. So people do not know what to say. I will give them credit and some acceptance for that. The thing is they don't have to say much or sometimes anything at all. They just need to be there and try to love the person the same as they did before the pain struck. A friend comes in when the rest of the world has gone out. Just quietly saying..."I am here...or I am thinking about you..." is enough.

I don't expect people to remember a date that to them means nothing just because it is huge for me. I really don't, but I want to feel ok with expressing my feelings regardless of how anyone else assumes I should behave and deal with this. I do find joy in the small things of this world, in children, in animals, in all of nature and all that is beautiful. I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think some things just happen because if I sit around looking for a reason I could lose my sanity. Some things happen for reason, but others do not. The key to it all is surviving all the pain and struggles that this life brings without bitterness. That is the hard part. Finding the positive among the depressing is the only way to the surface. I just want to breathe; so I swim up even when I'm not sure which way is up.

I wasn't going to write anything because I know how everyone wants me to act like nothing happened....and how it makes people uncomfortable, but these are my feelings...and this is my reality. I'm feeling like I could write a book about this to help other women who feel like me. Lord knows there are so many out there from the support groups I've attended online. I am grateful for what I have, and I am not going to dwell on what I do not have....but I do remember and acknowledge this week and the memory of a baby boy I never held.

Jackie"

Home

Hi we made it back from Moncton safe and sound...even thought there was a storm Sat morning. We didn't do much. I soaked in the hot tub forever and we watched a movie. Then on Sat we went to chapters. It's been a very busy very tough week. Busy has been a blessing in some respects. Otherwise I can't even stand being in my own skin. I'm sad, angry, irritated all in one. People keep telling me to just get over it or they just ignore that even happened. Like my baby wasn't even real. The may of not been real to them but my baby was real to me.

Vacation

We are going to....




Well not exactly the country but the Mexican Themed Fantasy Suite at the Ramada Crystal Palace in Moncton. We are going tomorrow night. Just to get away. I am so excited. We need some us time. I'll let you know what we do.

Learning new things

Well if you havn't guessed by now I've learned how to do something and I'm officially a


I'm doing ok. I'm going to start councelling because I can't get things together in the church. This morning no one talked to me except my SS superintendant and this one lady who said "Oh I went through that a long time ago, You just have to get over that". Well I promised you I almost punched a church member, in the church, where I work. I walked away and called EAP tonight. I'm going to call my doctor in the morning about possibly getting more time off of work. We can't really afford it but I'm a basketcase. I know many of you have been praying for me. I sure need it and appreciate it.

Thank you Gwyn

Gwyn found this poem online and sent it too me. I wanted to post it here. If you or anyone you know has suffered a loss like me share this with them...

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erlin

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Back to work

Well I went back to work today and man was I shakey. 11 days ago my life stoped. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of the world to keep on going. I went to Sylvan just for a few hrs and left before the teachers & students came. The only ones who knew I was pg and had a m/c was the office staff (4 girls incl. me and 1 boy who is married to one of the girls). They were great. Everyone let me talk as I was comfortable and even the girl who is pregnant and due in may (boy had she gotten bigger while I was out) let me talk about it. I didn't want to upset her in anyway. Before I left whe classroom assistant came in to prepare for class. All she knew was I was out sick. She has a 10 month old (they come to the playgroup I run at the church) who went sliding for the first time and had her first pony ride while I was out. I eventually stoped listening and had to tell myself to breath. All I could think was 'my baby will never do those things for the first time'. Then she was talking to the girl who was pg about her baby and pg symptoms. Well the girl who was pg was really good and giving one word answers and not getting into a full blown conversation about it while I was there.

I have been so blessed though this whole thing. Family, though sometimes say dumb things, have been supportive, the doctors and hospital staff were unbeliveably supportive (1st time I didn't have to wait 9 hrs in the waiting room!), and now my co workers be so unbelievably supportive.

I PTL for such blessings.

Great Quote

" Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is. " Mary Anne Radmacher

What makes a Mother??

I've been visiting a website that has info on miscarrages and a forum where I can talk to other moms who are going through the same things. One posted the following and gave me permission to post it here.

What Makes a Mother??

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother, and i know i heard him say.

A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies but when they leave its not there choice.

I just dont understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear,

I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
I wish you could see your child smile, with other children and say...

"we go on earth to learn our lessons, of love life and fear.
My mummy loved me so very much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mum, who had so much love for me.
I learnt my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free,

I miss my mummy oh so much I visit her each day,
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows there I lay,

I stroke her hair I kiss her cheek. I whisper in her ear,
Mummy dont be sad today. Im your baby and i'm here"

So you see dear sweet one, your children are okay,
Your babies are in my home and this is where they will stay.

They will wait for you with me, untill your lessons are through.
And on the day that you'll come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
It's the one you had so much of, right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realise, until there time is done,
Remember all the love you have, and know your a special

..... MUM.....

Day 8

Things are getting a little better every day. Not so much physical pain anymore (except when I put my jeans on grrr). Emotionally getting better every day. Looking to the future. Dreaming of our future.

Recovering...

Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd explain my ticker below. I know some of you might not like the theology, but it gives me a peace. Sunday Feb 18 I miscarried. Our baby was 8 weeks and 4 days. It's one of those situations that we will never know why but have to have faith that it was apart of God's plain for our little one's life. It ended in emergency surgery which I am home recovering today.

I am so thrilled for my friend Gwyn. Our due dates were about a week apart. As sad as I am over my loss I'm equally excited for the little life she is carrying. I will enjoy watching he or she grow & hopefully I will have a baby only a few months younger.

Please don't feel sad or sorry by this post. Just pray that my body recovers quickly and we can try again. I will always hold our little R.W. (we named our baby after the boys name we had picked Rhys William and since we didn't know the sex we thought R.W. fit!) close to my heart and never forget the show time my baby was with me.

Sorry Everyone

Hi everyone,

For some weird reason I've only been able to log on through posting a comment on another blog. Thanks to Gwyn for letting everyone know I was having trouble. I'm also going through a very difficult time right now, so please pray for me. Heath problems. Congrats to my friend Gwyn for the new baby. I look forward to you moving up here and seeing your kids grow! Just remember the canadian heath system is way different than the american. No fancy digs to have your baby. Also you'll find the check ups way different. But at least in the end you won't have to pay for it. I'm going to sign off for now.

Ceri forgot her password....

Okay, Ceri has not updated because she forgot her password.... So I am posting on here to let y'all know that she will be back because I found her login info from when I did some work on here for her :)